I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
I like children - fried.
W. C. Fields
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. Fields
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers
I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra
I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller
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