My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
Jay London
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
My inner child is not wounded.
Shannen Doherty
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Mike Myers
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
Never floss with a stranger.
Joan Rivers
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Erma Bombeck
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben
Never wear anything that panics the cat.
P. J. O'Rourke
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
H. L. Mencken
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Saint Augustine
Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
George Bernard Shaw
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Helen Rowland
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Lewis Mumford
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Samuel Butler
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
Chevy Chase
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
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