If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Laurence J. Peter

If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer.
Yogi Berra

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
George Carlin

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
Jay London

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry

It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.
P. J. O'Rourke

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Katharine Hepburn

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Groucho Marx

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.
Marlene Dietrich

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
Emo Philips

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg