I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
Paul Lynde
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
George Burns
I think serial monogamy says it all.
Tracey Ullman
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
Mae West
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Rita Rudner
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov
I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.
Bette Davis
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
Mercedes McCambridge
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg
I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown
I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.
Dennis Miller
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers
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