Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
George Bernard Shaw

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Alanis Morissette

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
George Carlin

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
Fred Allen

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Albert Einstein

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
Harry S. Truman

You're only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz